The Folks Magazine - Jollemanhof 63

Could you give us an example? I got into a dispute with my neighbours over noise. My floor was just about adequate with respect to how much sound it let through. We both had insurance coverage for legal expenses, so I asked my insurance company how much they’d pay for a lawyer; they gave me their budget. Then I asked my neighbour’s insurers the same question, and found that both companies would end up spending more than the cost of a new floor in getting answers to who’s wrong and who must bear the burden. My neighbour’s insurers were initially reluctant to chip in, until I explained how much time, money and frustration it’d save everyone. So both companies paid for the new floor, a solution that rose above the problem rather than getting bogged down in proving who was in the wrong.

Not all conflicts end this satisfactorily, though. How do you deal with those? Unfortunately, I still find it hard to accept that things won't always go the way I’d hoped. The catastrophe of the Trump administration has shown me that some things cannot be justified, even if they can easily be explained. In such cases, I console myself with the knowledge that I did the best I could.

Looking back at the period when you made a conscious decision to take things a bit easier, what advice would you give someone who was successful at what they did, but was being consumed by it? Ask yourself if you still believe in what you’re doing and make sure you avoid the pitfall of wondering whether you’re successful or not; because that’s a mindfuck, and can only be determined by other people, who will base their opinion on criteria of their own. Vipassana meditation has been a great help to me in understanding this.

What advice do you wish you’d been given? I wish I’d understood the lawyer’s role in a conflict much sooner; understanding what a conflict is, for instance, recognising common patterns and understanding what to do to break them. This requires deep knowledge, especially, besides expertise and a bit of talent. I’m gaining that knowledge now, but I wish I’d have had it much sooner. I'm now trying to figure out how to share this knowledge.